


No Hope

by abhorrentkath



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean and Cas get help, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Impala, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Castiel, Sam (mentioned) - Freeform, Suicide mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 22:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11427621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abhorrentkath/pseuds/abhorrentkath
Summary: He continues to wake up, put a smile on his face, and go to school. His façade has fooled many. He plans to keep it that way.





	No Hope

**Author's Note:**

> I liked this originally, but I feel like it's missing so much. I could add much more and make it better but I'm just gonna throw it out there. I hope it's not too crappy.

Castiel knew he was past saving. There was nothing that would help him. His anxiety and depression had gotten worse as the years went on and he blamed himself. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for him, even though others said otherwise. His life was comprised of sleeping, and school. Nothing brought him joy like the way they did before.   
Every morning, as he wakes up, he thinks about disappearing. No one would miss him. No one would realize he's gone.

Though, as the coward he's labeled himself to be, never goes through with anything.

  
He continues to wake up, put a smile on his face, and go to school. His façade has fooled many. He plans to keep it that way.

  
Daylight peeks through the blinds, filtering through Castiel's room. He wakes up, deciding that though sleeping through the day would be better for the world, his dog would wonder where he was. Pushing himself off his bed, he dresses himself haphazardly. Ultimately, not caring about his appearance. Since he'll be ignored anyway. As he opens the door, his dog comes bolting towards him, dropping him to the floor and laying kisses along his face. The first real smile shines through Castiel's face.

  
Realizing the time, he gives his dog a last pat on the head and heads out towards his school. As he enters, he smiles and waves at his friends who are all walking to their classes. He decides to not bother them with his presence, but instead walks to his own classroom.

  
The rest of the day goes by numbly. It's filled with fake smiles and waves as he walks from class to class. Not once does he talk to others or ask questions. He always feels like his questions are too dumb to ask. So he doesn't.  
By the time Castiel realizes the final bell has rung, the classroom is empty.

  
-

  
Dean Winchester was generally a happy guy. He had many friends who loved and supported him, and for that, he was eternally grateful.

  
Yet, that didn't stop the clawing of the self loath that he felt every single day. There were times when he wanted to rip his body to shreds and to sprinkle it across the globe for no one to see. There were other times when he would look in the mirror and stare at himself in disgust. _Maybe if I was skinner, or if I had hazel eyes._ Dean would think. On a daily basis he would sit in class or anywhere really and think: _I fucking hate myself. Why can't I be normal and think about myself in a positive way? Why am I so fucking weak? Why does everyone hate me? I'm such a useless piece of shit. I don't deserve anything._

  
The self loathing would get too much occasionally and he would find himself sitting in the bath tub with blood from his thighs circling him. Those were the days he really hated himself.   
As soon as Sammy found out that Dean's mental health was declining rapidly he urged Dean to get help. When Dean didn't budge, he told his parents. Which is why he is now sitting in a hard ass chair in some kind of poorly made circle at his therapists office.

  
Most of the kids that came in would stare at Dean, like he was some kind of alien. He hated himself for coming so early. He should have come later so then all of these eyes wouldn't be on him. 15 minutes went by agonizingly slowly, but finally, the therapist started to speak.

  
"Hello everyone. My name is Pamela and I'm gonna be helping you guys with your group meeting. To start off we're going to be saying our name and then what you like to do in your free time." She smiled sweetly at everyone in the room. She motioned to a kid in a white sweater who nervously looked around.

  
"My name is Garrett and I like to play video games." So on, people began to introduce themselves. It was getting closer to Dean's turn and he was sure he was going to scream.

  
Luckily he didn't, but it was now his turn. "Hello everyone, my name is Dean and In my free time I like to watch Star wars with my little brother." He finally said after some thought. He didn't do much in his free time, but anything with Sammy was worth mentioning.

  
The meeting ended, and Dean was thrilled to leave. Pamela was nice and all, but he felt like everyone was judging him and he didn't understand why. But then again, he didn't understand much of what was going on these days.

  
There was a snack table that Dean naturally gravitated to and began to pick out what he wanted. He stopped searching when he noticed a guy who looked 18 (the same age as Dean) looking around the room. He seemed about 10 seconds away from a panic attack, so Dean quickly grabbed a bottle of water and walked over.

  
"Hey, my name's Dean. Mind if I hang out with you for a little bit?" The boy seemed a little freaked out about someone talking to him, but he shook his head anyway. Dean gave the shorter man the water bottle he was carrying in his hand. He gratefully took it, and took a sip, thanking Dean.

  
"I'm Castiel," was his only response. Dean found it kind of cute and smiled.

  
"So why're you here?" Dean asked nonchalantly.

  
"Depression and anxiety," Castiel responded and took another drink of the water. Dean took a better look at his new acquaintance. His body was hunched over in an attempt to make himself look smaller. His baby blue eyes were wide open as they took in his surroundings. His hand went up to push a strand of dark brown hair out of his eyes. He turned back to Dean and smiled nervously. "You?"

  
"Depression," Dean responded like it was the most casual thing in the world. He could tell Castiel found that entertaining, because his lips curved into a slight smile, and he picked his body up a little bit. They continued to talk for a little bit until Castiel had to leave, and so did Dean.

  
As he got home Dean began to think about everything that happened in the group meeting. There were some people who seemed like they would eventually make a full recovery. But Dean wasn't so sure of himself. There was no hope for salvation. He doesn't deserve to be saved.

  
-

  
The next day, Castiel began his internal monologue about not setting himself on fire instead of going to school. Once he was convinced, he was suddenly at school. He had no recollection of his morning routine but he usually didn't anyway so he wasn't too worried. He was ready for his day to go by numbly again until Charlie, one of his good friends dragged Castiel by the arm into the library.

  
"Charlie what the hell-"

  
"Save him." Charlie cut off Castiel and pointed to someone who was huddled into the fetal position. He didn't understand why Charlie chose him to "save" his person or whatever. He'd probably fuck it up anyway.

  
He knew to not get Charlie mad, so instead he walked towards the human ball and placed his hand on the shoulder of the person. It seemed as if he was having a panic attack, which Castiel could relate to. He comforted the boy, who was shaking and rocking himself, mummering unheard words. After a while, he was able to lift his head up. Castiel was surprised to see Dean, from last nights meeting.

  
"Why are you here? I'm not worth your time. Go to your class, Castiel." Dean spat out. Hatred spewing from his mouth. Though Castiel understood the hatred in Dean's voice was self-hatred.

  
"No, Dean, I've been here before. Leaving you is the worst option. You deserve to have someone for you." Castiel retaliated, even though Dean shook his head. Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Castiel shut him up with a look. "You think you don't deserve to be saved, Dean. But you do. No one deserves to be hurting inside." except for me, Castiel thought.

  
"You don't deserve to hurting as well, Cas. Even if you tell yourself otherwise." Dean whispered. Castiel shook his head and wrapped his arms around Dean and held him until Dean let go.

  
-

  
Though they were both fucked up in the head, (Dean's words, not Cas') they knew from that moment on, they would have each other. Through thick and thin, they would stay with each other and help in whatever way they could. Though they knew they would never fully recover, they were much happier when they were together.

  
Years later, as he watches Cas' tear soaked face walk down the aisle towards him, he realizes that there was in fact hope for them.


End file.
